Today I had a great talk with a co-worker. She has just come back to the work force after the challenge/privilege of being a stay at home mom for 9 years while her children were young. I told her that I constantly feel stressed out because I want to have more time to do everything - relax, cook, clean, just enjoy my family. I told her how I dream of being at home full time or part time but deep down know it would be different and the same. I still wouldn't have any time, my house would be a little less messy and I would probably long for companionship. Then I read the following blog post by another mother:
I think moms, whether we work to balance being a full time mom while also working outside of the home or whether we are at home for this time in our lives and strive to find fulfillment in the role as "just" a mother, while taking a break from other parts of ourselves...we like to be noticed. We like the pat on the back. We like for others to say, "wow, How do you do that?" It makes that hefty weight that often settles on our shoulders saying we aren't doing enough, we aren't succeeding enough, we aren't good enough...it makes that weight lighter. It makes us throw our shoulders back and realize that the lives we lead, the choices we balance, the roles we play - they matter. They are hard. And we are good enough. We are doing it - day in and day out. We GET to be mothers. We GET to have less selfish time these days. We are noticed and validated - whether anyone tells us or not.
This is exactly how I have been feeling. Other women I work with seem to be able to keep their gardens in good shape, their houses cleaned, balanced nutritious meals everyday and I wonder why can't I do it. Someone innocently asked me why can't I do these things after Abby goes to bed and then I almost cried. She wasn't being hurtful but it made me feel like I SHOULD be doing more. I just can't. 8+ hours of charting, educating, noise and then to come home to a second harder job of being a parent, forget it. I just need sleep to refuel.
So my mommy friends out there I thank you again for your support and kind words. Keep them coming and I will for you. Because we need it. I acknowledge your sacrifices whether you work 8-10 hours at a job you tolerate only to come home tired to a crabby toddler or you are home all day with pets and kids alternating between adorable and obnoxious. You are the best mom for your child/ren and they are lucky and happy to have you. And I am glad to know you.
I know exactly why you can't do those things once the lil one is in bed. If you don't take that 1 hour left in your day to rest or read or eat something, you WON'T survive. Your next day will be worse. You are right-after working a long day with needy people (aka co-workers AND patients)-coming home to a needy child is exhausting-even if she is adorable, and loveable and your favorite person in the world. Remember what I always tell you-you are still jess. so even if it's the 1 hour after she is in bed before you fall asleep worrying about the next day and disgusted with the dirty kitchen-that 1 hour you take for yourself-no matter what-is JUST that. Time for you!!! The job you are doing is important in so many ways and you ARE doing such a good job. RR
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteA little bird told me I was quoted here :) Honored. MAde my night. And after the day I had...it really was just what I needed.
Today I felt like such a failure as I lost my patience over and over again. I have been solo parenting for the last week or two and it is really starting to wear on me. I need a break from these little miracles that suck so much from me these days. Anyways, your thoughts are so spot on. We all have those feelings that others seem to be doing it WAY better than us. I always wonder about my mom friends who do things that impress me and wonder what isn't okay in their life. Maybe they are making balanced meals but they aren't exercising. Maybe they are exercising but they aren't playing with their kids. Maybe they play with their kids but their bathrooms are gross. You get the picture.
This time in our life, as mothers to little ones, is so short. I always try to remind myself that the key is to prioritize what it is that NEEDS to get done and what I WANT to get done so that I feel like a success that day. Pay the bills, get the fridge stocked, gives bathes and make sure there is clean laundry, make eye contact with my children...etc. And after that I have to prioritize what will make me feel good as I go to sleep....is it making a nice meal or playing with my kids, doing a load of laundry or calling my mom to chat, emailing my sister or looking through a recipe book for something new to cook, eating hotdogs AGAIN so that the kitchen isn't a huge mess ...etc. Once I let the expectations go that I have to get it all done, I usually feel better. And sleep is vital.
I also try to remember what little old ladies in the electric shopping carts will say, "I remember those days and I would love to go back." Because it is true. Some day we will come home to quiet houses, with less laundry, no diapers to pay for ...and wish that we had the pitter patter of feet and the chaos that is all consuming.
I love how you end with the thoughts that we are all the best moms for our children. So true.
Hang in there girl. Keep talking with RR. I know she feels like this ALL THE TIME. I also know she is great to share a glass of wine with and give validation.
Oh, and as a working mom you should be SO proud to be showing your daughter that she can be a mother and have a career. I think having a daughter makes this so valuable.
Hope it's okay that I stopped by. Hope my comment comes across the way I meant it.
Sarah
www.fortheloveofnaps.blogspot.com
um, that is the longest comment in history. Sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteSarah
You are right that all of our kids are lucky to have each of us, no matter what our circumstances are! And as a side note, I can assure you that even though I work part-time, cooking and cleaning still somehow evade me :)
ReplyDelete